I spend time watching things with happy endings. I especially like the cute Japanese TV shows. They are romantic and sweet. They end happily. I sit there thinking, this is how it is supposed to be.  With true confessions of feelings and love that endures...no matter what. It's TV, but their love is sacred, though it is tested. And promises mean something between people whose hearts are together no matter what obstacles appear. In my life, I think I've had things that were pretty close to that...so I know that it probably can happen.

It appears that in my life now, there is nothing sacred. Words are meaningless. People are half-hearted and uninspired. No one cares about anything or anyone. And we're all cowards. They say your life reflects who you are and I believe I am in the sorriest state I've ever been, despite the fact that life is a bit easier than before and in some ways much better. Though, I also believe I have a greater capacity to make phenomenal things happen that I ever did, even though it is pretty difficult now.

There's a war going on and it's inside my mind. Inside my heart. Maybe it's like that 80's movie with the kid and the war games. The only way to win is probably not to play. So what to do with that piece of movie insight...?

I've probably been written off as impossible from my moods lately...But I just want to make it clear that it isn't all just wallowing or self-indulgent boo-hoo-ing. I am making the effort to be the person that I can be proud of. I am certainly making mistakes and having flaws in thinking as I'm doing this.

I guess all can say is that it is what it is...

So I've deleted and stopped all my blogs except this one...pretty much because they're ridiculous. I mean they served their purpose. Now I'm just going to journal privately on my computer.

I have started something new that appears to be effective. I discovered it by accident.

Was at work one day, and was feeling kind of down. So I started doodling on a 3 x 5 card. Made the usual doodles of plants and flowers, then wrote, "To have something to look forward to...that would be nice..." Then I shoved it under the metal tray that holds the invoices for library books we've ordered. (so nosy desk snoopers don't think I'm weirder than they originally thought)

Very soon after that, things started happening...these things have propelled me forward into a sort of new life that holds a lot of promise and optimism. So the card came true. I didn't think it was coincidence, but even if it was, the fact that I THOUGHT it wasn't a coincidence is enough to bring the magic back into my life.

So now I'm starting to write on little slips of paper...all my wishes and intentions, then I shove them under the in-tray. I named it "the wishin' whole".

So far this is under there:

• It would be nice to have a real home of my own...
• For my neighbors to stop hating me for the garbage incident
  
• Find a way to generate passive income...
• For Daniel to start loving me again and actually give the relationship a real chance...(LAME I KNOW. But I still wish for it. I will not censor my wishes, just because other people will perceive it as lame. Even if it's impossible, the truth is, that's my wish.)
• To be friends again with everyone I chased away...(I suck)
• To feel a sense of community with people

I'm not sure if I'll continue to post them here, but I'm just happy I started it.

Is it required for upsetting things to happen before positive change occurs?  Is there any other way?? Is there? There just has to be...Sheesh.

For the last two weeks I've been making drastic decisions, then taking them back. Refining the decision, taking it back. This whole process...to make this life that has become somewhat unacceptable, into something bearable, and hopefully, eventually something absolutely wonderful.

I've successfully decided to be happy...which once seemed impossible, but it's surprisingly doable. I won't say life is perfect...HA. I'm trying to see life the way I always see my parents. They are not the perfect parents, by any means, but they are the perfect parents for me.

So in all this struggle, I realized that all my wishes and dreams that appear impossible, are in fact possible. We are being so unfair to the impossible. Unfairly classifying them and dismissing them...I want to be one of many spokespeople for the impossible. To represent the misrepresented.

There are lots of things right now, that people think are impossible for me. That even I think are impossible. But given the outrageous decisions I've made and declared in the past couple of days...and everything that my heart truly wishes for, I have no choice but to make the impossible happen, right? There's a little Captain Picard (From Star Trek: The Next generation, for the non-trekkies) in my head commanding me to "Make it so."

So I'm gonna do it somehow. Root for me! Thanks.

Reading...going on trips...making forts out of the couch cushions and hiding...playing with stuffed animals--making them act out all kinds of complicated stories.

My main blog is at http://theisleofview.net/theisleofblogging

It's just me complaining and being annoying. Pretty much.